Life Stinks on Total Punk Records

My friend Tim called me one night to tell me about Life Stinks. I ordered the full length from SS Records. There’s scuzzy pop garage about smoking weed and playing video games and then there’s the darker more sinister side in Life Stinks. Sounding like walking in on an underground biker party, it’s trashy, loose and dirty lie Buck Biloxi or the Mayyors - RIP.

A-Side's "Portraits" opens on feedback and that empty room sound, its as raw as anything you could have dug up at the salvation army on a hand labeled cassette. Banging away at a tambourine snare bash beat, the guitars are banished to the back of this, Chad (from the outdoorsmen) on vocals always with a sneering attitude, feeling like a dark chant to the heavens. He’s not complaining just letting the universe know he's still down here and won't be pushed around. A brutish force cutting in scythe paths not a wussy surgical knife. Cut things down quick and get this thing cleared out. A punk psych in its hypnotic beat and background shredding hiss guitars. This guy actually has things to say and they aren't just fucking around being drunken jerks making noise. Loose but not sloppy. Angry not stupid.

Just listened to the sound cloud not sure what’s on the B-Side but I like these guys a lot.

Get it from Total Punk Records. Colors? Packaging? These guys don't need it.

Golden Pelicans "The Earls" 7" on Total Punk Records

I’m forever grateful that Total Punk is down there in the sunshine state documenting their scene in the form of trashy, loud singles like this one from Golden Pelicans. Just like In The Red or Almost Ready they have their jammed their fingers into the vein of garage punk in Florida. Rich Evans is in so deep that it wasn’t enough to be in a few bands or run a physical record store (Vinyl Richie’s Wiggly World). There was just too much money burning a hole in his pocket. The best way I’ve found to get rid of that stuff is to invest it in pressing vinyl. So does Rich apparently and he started Total Punk + FD to ‘allieviate boredom’ according to this Kind Turkey interview, which also imparted this perfect piece of wisdom: ‘If your city sucks, fix it’. I’ve been saying for years that we should switch to a seven inch based economy, trading singles for basic needs - like more singles. Nothing is worse than sitting around bitching a lack of scene, this town sucks. The way I see it, that’s almost the best situation - fill that void with whatever crazy sound you’re into, start a space, label, whatever. Did I mention Rich is in Golden Pelican?

A-Side’s "Earls" bangs drums and crunchy guitars along with snotty vocals from Eric 'King' G snarling or almost growling in a high register. These muted gritty chords with warm, low-end distortion switches to a jangly higher screechy delivery. I can't even imagine the old school punk influences here, Rich and friends well runs freaking deep and I’d just embarrass myself. Like the Oblivians or Bassholes this low bass keeps things on track, while the guitars noodle around and try to trip each other up. More high pitch echo yelling, spikes and drunken belligerence. These guys seem like they barely have it together to continue singing this song to the end.
"Chained to the Dumpster" starts a weird repeated guitar line that’s muffled off in the background compared to this vocal, Eric's barely talking in a high pitch treble down to a low grrrrr. Backup vocals in some kind of twisted parody of that bubblegum, glitter punk. The guitars are layered in sparkly reverb while they settle on a pattern and stick to it. Eric is pissed off again and determined to let everyone have it. They’re dealing a real gutter punk sound, thanks to this vocal, if they were looking to scare people off than he's your man. (Ha, they were – ed) The band ably backs this maniac, and let’s hope they continue to drag him from gig to gig so they can continue to hit these harmonies and changes before he passes out. Like when they made Sid sing “My Way” on those steps that lit up and he shot the queen. Except by then it was waaay to late. Keep that in mind guys.

Get this one from Total Punk who says:

Last year they proved they were the toughest gang in O-Town with their "Hard Head" single, and now with The Earls encroaching on their turf, the Pelicans really bring the muscle. Two tracks of pounding raw punk slop covered in feedback and all held together by King G's gravelly vocals. 100% grade A TOTAL PUNK.

THE TOTAL PUNK "GET REJECTED" BY NED HAYDEN CONTEST

Just a quick word that Total Punk Records is having a contest to design the 45 sleeve for the Action Swingers single their putting out. If I can get my act together I might throw something in just to get a rejection letter...and who knows maybe they're looking for something really terrible.
Info below, get inspired by the youtube video and cut some medical diagrams apart and the sunday paper with big ransom letters and xerox the whole mess. That's a good idea.

LISTEN UP FOLKS because today is your luck day. TOTAL PUNK is giving you a chance to do something with your stupid MISERABLE LIFE. We are getting ready to put out a single by the legendary ACTION SWINGERS and are in the need of some cover art. We have already given all of the world’s top up and coming graphic artists a stab at this and Ned Hayden, the Swingers main man, has rejected them all. So now it is your turn. Submit your cover art to the “TOTAL PUNK GET REJECTED BY NED HAYDEN CONTEST” and Ned Hayden himself will select a winner. Well that is if he doesn’t declare you all losers.
What exactly is he looking for? He’s looking for ART and it better be totally punk. Here’s one word of advice from our man on the street “Leave your crayons at home.” You got the idea yet? Good! Remember these covers are stamped so make it one color and keep it simple. Also make sure the band’s name is on it. We aren’t trying to be mysterious here. In addition we need you to design an 11”x17” one color promo poster to accompany this record.
What do you win? Not only do you get cover credit on this totally classic release. In addition to getting your place in the history books, you also get a test press of the new Action Swingers 7” on TOTAL PUNK, an unfolded silk screen promo poster, and a free copy of the next two TOTAL PUNK singles. WOWZA! Can it get any better? Well yes actually it can. In addition to all the great prizes listed above, we will also throw in a free TOTAL PUNK embroidered patch! You lucky duck.
And for you losers, don’t worry we haven’t forgotten about you. Each losing entry will receive a personalized rejection letter from the man himself, letting you know why your cover was rejected and just how talentless you are.
All artwork should be 300dpi and submitted to totalpunk45s@gmail.com with the subject heading “I WANT TO GET REJECTED BY NED HAYDEN.” The artwork should all be one color and the dimensions of the cover should be no larger than 7”x7” and the poster 11”x17”. The contest is over when Ned finds artwork worthy of this great release. Hurry up people or miss out on the chance of a lifetime.

Midnite Snaxxx on Total Punk Records

Got another one from the Floridas Dying offshoot label, Total Punk Records. You can't miss this giant red rubber stamp art sleeve showing the Snaxxx harassing the burger waiter with their punk rock ways. You've come a long way baby. Midnite Snaxxx are a trio from that Oakland, CA area spawning all kinds of great contemporary punk combinations like Shannon and the Clams.
In A-Side's "A guy like that", it's always hard to not hear the Ramones in every pop punk rapid fire track with that sweet harmony, but they've definitely captured that similar big layered guitar sound. All the snaxxx are contributing vocally in this track to that guy they just can't stop thinking about, together, over each other, in between the chorus...it adds to that loud party rock feel. They're in this together, with no lead singer dammit.
"Jackie" on the B-Side continues the seven inch historic tradition of offering two punchy all too brief tracks that force you to get off your ass and spin over and over. The drums are really pounding on this one, kick drum and cymbal on every beat with the nite snaxxx keeping up with as fast of a trio vocal. Like Personal and the Pizzas, Nobunny or Hunx, Midnite Snaxx has a knack for getting right to the punk point in a massive racket of power chord changes with a menacing bad ass attitude. You are going to be the burger waiter guy, get used to it.

Order it from Total Punk, black vinyl (duh) printed white sleeve. Insert with mail in coupon for giant badge. I think I'm going to have to get one of those. The internet has really spoiled the days of sending 'well concealed' cash in an envelope and waiting months to get a single before the company folded....on second thought...

[TPR-02] Total Punk is proud to bring these Bay Area broads (members of the Bobbyteens, Trashwomen, and Loudmouths) into the family. I met the Snaxxx in Atlanta and they manhandled me, picked me up, and treated me like a submarine sandwich; then tried to force me into a strip club to watch them yell at strippers. These two short blast of tough edged bubble gum punk may make them seem sweet, but beware these aren't those kind of snaxxx. This shit ain't cute its TOTAL PUNK!!!

The Sleaze on Total Punk Records

This latest single from The Sleaze is on the Floridas Dying's Total Punk label, and nothing says total punk like these giant rubberstamped sleeves, I didn't know they made them that big, either that or they carved them out of pizza boxes from the Dominos dumpster. Press the record, put it in a sleeve and stamp it, send it out. The Sleaze would want it that way. These guys are from Minneapolis and have the right kind of attitude and lack of low end.

The A-Side track, "Called you once" has this unbelievably paper thin sound, absolutely every trace of bass has been obliterated by the high end hiss of 14K. What kind of microphone could have captured this? How much is it at radio shack? The snare is like slapping wet plastic shopping bags. Snotty vocals about calling a lady friend on the phone, and leaving a message, but not too many, and why isn't she calling back, what's the point of this? Of course you write this totally nuts scuzzy punk song about the issue. Single note melodies, beating the hell out of that drum kit, cramming a lot of pop into the punk garage, which is already full of shitty equipment. Personal and the Pizzas probably put this single on to get hyped up. Fast, cheap and out of control.
The B-side, "Retro sexy in Blue" has those tin can drums leading us off with a slower groove, the guitar gets a minimal, with this post-punk (wha?) cool melody. They're getting a little bit sexy here, or should I say sleazy, some deep vocals way out in front, a little crunch to them. Nodzzz has a baby with the Stooges. They got a divorce immediately. Sort of laid back on this one, dueling thin rhythm guitars, but it builds to a spazzy feedback finish.
Two different sides of a low budget nightmare. The best kind.

Rich says we can thank Scion for all garage punk rock.
I'm looking at Florida in a new way.
It's warm down there right?
The whole year?

Get this one from Floridas Dying, I hear these are going fast.

[TPR-03] Minneapolis's shittiest sons are back to deliver more of their wisdom to an indifferent public. When they aren't smokin fuckin cigs, or doing pcp, their blowin up the phones of unimpressed teenage girls. "Called You Once" is a snotty start stop punker that's sure to be a "hit in the pit!" The B side is "Retro Sexy Blue" a slow punk burner that shows they've got something else brewing under the surface. I can almost hear their pimples popping.

Personal and the Pizzas -Dead Meat on Total Punk Records

Here's another plain sleeve printed single from the dudes over at Floridas Dying Records, this one off their Total Punk label offshoot from the great Personal and the Pizzas. I'm into that Ramones inspired harmony punk rock (I still need to use that coupon and go get a free slice from Mustache) and when I saw on their facebook page they were into approaching an album as a greatest hits compiled from their singles I knew their heart was in the right place. What I didn't realize is that according to the liner notes in this one, Personal is joined by gary with a circle around the A, who played everything on the B-side, and Personal sang. Where are the pizzas? Were there ever pizzas? Is that even a group of people? Does the guy just looooooove pizza?

None of these questions deserve an answer and that's exactly what I got from the A-Side with "Dead Meat", on this one personal plays the glam sounding punk distorted guitar, taking me back to that Bare Wires first album. Not lazy or sloppy in any way, but maybe a little laid back, mute the power chords....let's say confident at pop punk. It's a dead ringer for a long lost Ramones track, but with a grittier raspier vocal...oh and layered solos. You could also slow down Hunx and take away a little of the goofyness and get Personal. Take a single line, the title of the song, "Dead Meat" and come up with a classic melody for this single line. I can take punk like this that is right in line with those Last Laugh reissues, it's not about any kind of musical skill, just deciding to recraft the perfect late '70s punk song. It's melodic at the base level and stands out for being great because it's so accessible, like the 4-track home recorded movement, you feel like you could cover this easily, but to write it is another animal entirely.

The B-Side, "Joanie" is that softer ballad side of any punker, the acoustic riffs come in with an electric working on forcing a real tearjerker. Personal is still tough here, don't mistake the sincere sentiment for weakness, but maybe just maybe there's a hint that under that tough guy image he can get hurt once in a while....emotionally....only emotionally.
Personal is doing a major Joey homage here, the chorus tempo and melody even following "I wanna be your boyfriend", with plenty of backup ooooo's, and it's great. "I wanna be with Joanie", but Personal takes it to another level on the verse:
when I see you walking down the street / I just want to get on my knees and eat out you o-ohh ye-ea
so there's that...what a softy.
The best part of this side is the studio banter after the track, someone yelling shut the fuck up! and an early stripped down acoustic version of the song and then the sound of breaking glass, which according to the insert is courtesy of vitamin man. In this world where no one uses their real name anymore and leather, spikes and blades are part of the iconography, then I'm going to want to hear it, because there will always be a special place on the 7inches shelf for an attempt at the perfect, succinct, raw punk song from any decade, and this is better than just an attempt, it comes pretty damn close.....I'm talking they could be invading Jay territory in their level of execution and content.

Did I mention it was recorded in a basement?

Get it from Total Punk.

[TPR-01] SECOND PRESSING IN STOCK. Here it is, the first in a long line of fine Total punk slabs of wax to come. We decided to start things off with our favorite greasy wop toughs, Personal & The Pizzas. ‘Dead Meat’ is a Dictators style fist pumper with Stiv whispers, chain solos, and chants abound. And it’s all about pulverizing creeps. On the B-side we get ‘Joanie’, a punk ballad about stalking some lucky lady in hopes of fellating her that would make Joey proud. 600 pressed. All hand stamped and all Totally punk. Up next: Midnite Snaxxx, The Sleaze, and Outdoorsmen.